If I Can Just Get Through To Her

If I can just convince her that this is wrong… If she can just see the truth… If she will just let us help her…

I can’t tell you how many times I had these thoughts about my sister who was being coercively controlled by her then husband and so did the rest of our family, her friends, and her church. At the time, we knew that, at a minimum, he was emotionally abusing her. One by one, we got cut out of their lives. We all had this lurking fear we didn’t want to name, not wanting to face the reality that it had already progressed to physical abuse. I remember when my husband verbalized the fear of this ending up in one of those horrific news stories…you know the ones. It was both a horrible thought, but there was also a sense of relief that I was not the only one with that fear. As morbid as it sounds, the unity in thought helped me realize that what I had observed was not just in my head. I wasn’t being dramatic about my sister and her marriage. There was no way we all got it wrong. 

The thing is, before we were isolated from her, she tried so hard to make us think we all had it wrong and that everything was fine. Though I truly knew it wasn’t, I still got confused. I didn’t understand emotional abuse at the time. I didn’t understand that she was both trying to convince herself that things were fine and trying to survive. The amount of real estate this took in my mind, heart, and soul over the years resulted in physical manifestations of stress. I would constantly have these fake conversations with my sister in my head trying to reason with her. When the hateful voice of her husband came through her during the few and far between communications we had, I would get so angry with her. Anger was easier for me to handle than the fear.

Thankfully, a friend connected me to a counselor who really understood emotional abuse/domestic violence to help me process what was going on with my sister. During our first session, after I spent an hour recounting what we had experienced, she simply said that I had not misunderstood what was going on. It was a freeing moment. Over the next several sessions, my counselor began to educate me about domestic violence and all that it entails. We often think of domestic violence as physical abuse, but I learned that there is so much more: emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, financial abuse, etc. I learned that abusers fit a mold. They may look different in terms of money, success, color of their skin, and social aptitude, but they all share some major characteristics. We can save that for another blog post.

The resources my counselor gave me helped me understand what had happened to my once strong and feisty sister: how her abuser had gotten into the recesses of her mind and tangled a web of lies to tear her down and confuse her.  My sister was trying to survive in every way. My anger toward her turned back to compassion. Yet, I felt hopeless to help her. There was one thing I could actually do…pray. My sister had an army of people praying for her and her kids. As I spoke to a new friend that had freed herself from an emotional abuser, she assured me, “one day the light will turn on for your sister.” Thankfully, it did. Unfortunately, it had to progress to extreme physical abuse that could have taken her life and that of her kids for that light to turn on. But it did turn on. And they escaped. I’m so thankful that God rescued her. Now, my sister is stronger and feistier than ever. 

If you have a loved one in a relationship involving emotional abuse, physical abuse, or any other form of domestic violence, I would encourage you to do a few things:

• In any way, shape, or form that you can, let your loved one know that she is valuable and worthy and that you are ready and willing to help her when she is ready.
• Educate yourself about coercive control and domestic violence. It is helpful to see that there is a clear pattern. It can also be scary to realize how these things typically progress, but it is vital. It is important to know that you cannot force her out of the situation. She has to be willing. 
• Talk to a counselor or therapist who really understands coercive control and DV. They don’t all understand it, so do some research to make sure they are knowledgeable.
• Above all, pray…for protection for your loved one, for the light to turn on, and for the opportunity for her to get out.

“The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed.”

-Psalm 103:6

“Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.”

-Psalm 37:5