See Something, Say Something, Then What?

Two things I have discovered since escaping abuse, is that abusers are all the same, just different situations, and that post separation abuse really is a thing. Unfortunately, so often court systems and lawmakers operate with the underlying thought that once you get the woman away to a safe place, all should be well, right? No, wrong. 

To explain and address this first, we have to discuss what abuse is. It is NOT just a loss of temperament. Abuse IS a methodical, calculated form of control. It is cruel treatment for an evil purpose- control. It can be emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, and/or sexual. Another term to know is “coercive control.” Coercive control is a pattern of manipulative behaviors that use assaults, threats, humiliation, isolation, or intimidation to exert control over a victim by placing them in a fearful state, which keeps the victim under the control of the abuser.

So, the takeaway… it is all for control. ALL FOR CONTROL.

Once a woman escapes her abuser, she can breathe a temporary sigh of relief, but unfortunately, it is ONLY TEMPORARY relief. The escape process, the court process, the divorce process, and the healing process will unfortunately be inundated with any and every way an abuser can figure out how to regain control. He will attack her finances, her security, her property, her support, and most despicably, their children. I am proof of this.

But what abusers aren’t aware of, is that they are all the same. As a result, in counseling, support groups, and with DV professionals, we are warned of the textbook behavior that will follow the escape. Abusers are not brilliant, logical, and superior in their thinking. If they were, there wouldn’t be the textbook behaviors that they all exert. Us survivors have been forewarned of the behaviors abusers will exhibit throughout the post separation court process. We were made aware in advance at the very beginning of the escape that abusers will claim they are victims. We were made aware that abusers have no issue lying under oath. We were made aware that abusers will lie to their friends and family to try and save their reputation. We were made aware that to abusers, their reputation is the most important thing because they are not humble people. We were made aware that they or their community (because an abuser is often too cowardly to do it themselves as they are used to women fighting their battles) will call children protective services to try and manipulate custody. We were made aware that abusers will expose their own children to the most extreme sexual perversion to try and win custody. We were made aware that they will try and use custody to try and isolate their children for the same reason they isolated their initial victims. We were made aware that the rehabilitation rate of an abuser is almost non-existent which unfortunately makes children the closest victims in proximity. We were made aware that a major component of the narcissistic behaviors that an abuser displays are often a result from his childhood and his relationship with his mother.

So, if we are aware of these things and the information is so readily available to us when we escape, why are the court systems and law makers pretending like it is non-existent? Why are the lawmakers in South Carolina dragging their feet in passing coercive control bills that would actually protect the most vulnerable before it is too late, and we (us and our children) have to be physically harmed before we can be protected? I can only think of three possible reasons: they are trying to protect themselves from something they have done in the past, they are trying to protect themselves for the future, or they simply don’t care to protect women and children. None of these are mutually exclusive. So despite the broken court system and the unequivocal let down by our lawmakers to serve our community as they should, and despite what feels like we will never be free from our abuser, we won’t be broken. We won’t be destroyed, because there is nothing better than standing on the truth and standing in the righteousness and protection of the one true God. If God loved each and every one of us that he sent his one and only son to save us, we can rest on his promises for the oppressed and the abused. And His word is TRUTH…. And here is TRUTH. 

“A worthless person, a wicked man, goes about with crooked speech, winks with his eyes, signals with his feet, points with his finger, with perverted heart devises evil, continually sowing discord; therefore calamity will come upon him suddenly; in a moment he will be broken beyond healing. There are six things that the LORD hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.”

-Proverbs 6:12-19

“Whoever oppresses a poor man insults his Maker, but he who is generous to the needy honors him.”

-Proverbs 14:31

“The wicked plots against the righteous and gnashes his teeth at him, but the LORD laughs at the wicked, for he sees that his day is coming. The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows to bring down the poor and needy, to slay those whose way is upright; their sword shall enter their own heart, and their bows shall be broken.”

-Psalm 37:12-15

“The LORD works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed.”

-Psalm 103:6

So, if the court system and lawmakers are not doing their due diligence to protect the abused and oppressed as they should, then the wave of justice that is about to be given to the abused here in South Carolina can only be attributed to the Lord working on our behalf as he has promised us. 

Choose now which side you are going to stand on. Choose now if you are okay with the consequences that result from your actions. Choose now if you are going to continue serving yourself and your agenda. Choose now if you feel it in your gut a sense of fear for what will happen when you are held accountable or your actions for what you have done or not done.