Peacemakers are not Doormats
In a discussion with a pastor recently, I was expressing how much I struggle with fighting and standing firm in the court system for the protection of my children while simultaneously walking in a heart of forgiveness and compassion. His response: “Peacemakers are not doormats.” Mind-bending, I know! Forgiveness and fighting to protect your children are not mutually exclusive, so breathe easy… your fight can come from a righteous place.
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12
During this entire journey, I have stood firm that I refuse to walk in unforgiveness and bitterness from all the abuse and wrong that was done to me and is now being done to my children. I refuse to dwell in bitterness about all the post separation abuse and dire attempts for my abuser to regain control over our lives. Almost daily, I have to declare forgiveness to my abuser and all those involved in harming my children by aiding an abuser to continue in his ways. My testimony is not over yet and my journey for freedom from an abuser is still a battle, but now I am in the hardest fight of it yet… needing to be on the offensive in the fight for my kids’ well-being while under the scrutiny and authority of a court system that does not operate with a world view centered around God.
Until recently, I fought this battle predominantly in prayer on my knees since our escape. God has remained consistent and faithful to be our protector and deliverer. Despite all the attacks, manipulation, and lies from the abuser to destroy what God has built up for my children and me, our stability, and community, not once had I really had to do much but pray, be in our community of support through the trials, and take my children to the now 60th-ish appointment since our escape. God has never failed me. Over two and half years of post-separation abuse efforts, each attack only exposed the evil that the abuser was doing. My prayers have not been answered quite as I would have liked, and in the speed I would have liked, but everything that God has allowed and provided has been way better than I could have ever imagined.
Each time, I would cry out to God on what to do… and in listening to him, I knew I had to remain silent and in prayer. Full disclosure, there were actually very few times I felt an innate patience during the post separation attacks. I most certainly did not feel patient. I am human. I wanted God to intervene and rescue us. I cried out and begged for this life-changing act of justice to be served and for God to get the glory because of how grand I wanted Him to move in rescuing us. I absolutely felt anger at what was being done behind closed doors to my children and the injustices that still to this day don’t seem to be resolving. There is no lack of frustration at the snail-like speed in which the courts move, and I feel burdened and much heartache for the many, many women I am in community with who are also walking this same journey. But what never went away was the joy I have in the Lord. Nothing will ever take that away.
Recently, as my children have cried out to me of the injustices and abuse being done to them, I was forced, as any loving parent would, to move to the offensive and fight for safe guards to be put in place faster than the court system was willing to move on their behalf. You see, a victim has insight that no judge, no attorney, no case worker, no guardian ad litem, no counselor can truly understand without having experienced domestic violence and coercive control themselves or having been properly educated on it. A victim will never forget the fear associated with trying to survive. A victim will never forget the mental torment of living under the thumb and having to placate the most dangerous person they know. A victim will never forget the trauma, the tears, the bruises, and the blood. A victim will never forget the desperation of wanting to be saved. A victim knows the true dark side of the abuser.
My experience with the court system will be detailed later, but the overall result was this: complete let down. It knocked me down for a temporary period for sure, but what I realized in some of the heaviest days I’ve ever experienced was this… that God is still working behind the scenes, even when we experience temporary circumstantial defeat, closed minds, or unanswered prayers. When the injustices and abuses seem to be temporarily winning, when the government seems jaded with the exorbitant amount of cases, what will change everything… is to keep your eyes upon Jesus. Yes! I am singing the hymn to myself as I write.
There is so much truth to keeping your eyes on Jesus. For me, when my eyes are not focused entirely on Jesus and who He is, and who we are because of Him, then I get so distracted by the circumstances. This path leads to much discouragement. But, when my eyes are on Jesus, my eyes are on the truth. And the truth is this: Jesus loves my children more than I do. As hard as that is to comprehend because we love our children so much, it is a good reminder that He wants good for my children as well. When we are focused on Jesus, we are mindful of all that he has already done for us, both on the cross and in his present working on our behalf. When we are focused on Jesus, we see all the blessings He has given us. If this doesn’t come naturally to you, here is how I praise Jesus in the valleys.
Thank you, Lord, for waking me up this morning, for this is the day that You have made. I will rejoice and be glad in it (Psalm 118:24) regardless of the circumstances. Thank you for saving me so that I can spend eternity with you. Thank you for extending grace and forgiveness for my sins. Thank you for your steadfast love for me and that I don’t have to earn your love. Thank you for adopting me into your family. Thank you for the beauty of the sky each morning as I watch the sun rise on my drive. Whether it is clear or cloudy, the vastness is a reminder of how big you are God, so despite the battle I am in and how much my heart aches, you are fighting the battle for me. There is no one better than you. Thank you for your angel armies surrounding us and keeping us safe. Thank you for the supernatural strength you give me to push through another day even though I am worn. Thank you for never leaving me, despite it feeling like I am alone at times. Thank you for the community I am surrounded with in church, family, friends, and work. Thank you for all the people near and far who care for us and pray for us, especially the ones we’ve never actually met. Thank you, God, for trusting me with this journey and that I can trust you to see me through it. Despite all my flaws and failures, thank you for looking at me and seeing someone you approve of for doing your work. Thank you for combatting and destroying all the lies that were spoken over me, for you are life. How much more honor could I possibly feel that you chose me? Thank you for the restoration of my and my children’s lives because I see it being restored in real time, despite the hardships, and only you can restore the way you do. God, I ask and plead with you to move on behalf of my children. Lord, guard their hearts and minds from the abuse and any long term damage. Comfort them in the fearful times and move swiftly on their behalf Lord. Bring justice to the oppressed. Part the waters for us! And Lord, until you do, and whether or not we see it in this lifetime or not, I will continue to trust and lean into you for your plan for our lives. So in this low, low, low valley, please help to align my heart with yours and the plan you have for our lives. For there is none like you.
In Jesus’ name, Amen!
“But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”
- Isaiah 40:31
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
- Philippians 4:6-7
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
- James 1:2-4