A Lovely Day
Recently, there has been an influx of women who have reached out in need of services from Armor Up Sister, specifically mothers. When meeting women who have suffered the same traumas and journey of domestic violence, specifically spousal abuse, one of the hardest topics and most heartbreaking topics to inevitably discuss is coparenting with an abuser. Each time it is brought up, I painfully don’t ever feel like I have any promising words that it improves or gets easier. Every time I have to be honest about the countless mothers who have operated in the hope that an abusive partner will miraculously change and respect her as the mother and primary caretaker of the children, are consistently let down and disappointed. So if an abuser is statistically incapable of change, then we must focus on ourselves and what we can do for our hearts.
When leaving an abusive situation, one of the most important things you can do, and yet, easily the most difficult, is forgiving someone, who you once genuinely loved, that abused you. To add to the depth of a heart of forgiveness, is forgiving someone who did not apologize.
What I have learned about walking in forgiveness from abuse, in a post separation situation embattled in years of court, is that utilizing the legal system to set boundaries with someone who has repeatedly shown patterns of depravity, violence, and revenge is a necessity. You can walk in forgiveness and still go through the legal system. It is okay. Don’t carry a burden of guilt for being in the court system. It is not your fault you are there. Safety and protection is absolutely essential in the healing process and is not doable when someone, who is not capable of abiding by “normal” boundaries, still has access to you through your children. Getting orders of protection or no contact orders to protect and guard your mind is not just a physical safety measure that should be taken, it is a safeguard to your mind. These safeguard measures help keep you mentally healthy which is needed for caring for your children which facilitates being the best mother you can be. Blocking from your mind your abuser’s words, thoughts, manipulation, shame, guilt, inadequacies and all the other things he has projected on you is paramount. Once you get him out of your head, your thoughts and your healing progress belongs back to you!
I have also learned that experiencing pain and frustration over an abuser’s behavior is not reflective of an unforgiving heart. You are human and created in the image of the one true God who grieves over sin. (Genesis 6:6). We see God’s justice for the oppressed all throughout the Bible. Domestic violence is evil, it is hurtful and destructive, and we absolutely should be moved and angered by it. We should never sit idly by and be emotionally void. There is a purpose to the pain we feel. There is a purpose to the longevity of the journey. So, when you are in the post-separation phase embattled in court and watching the attempts of abuse on you honed in on your children as revenge to you, you will absolutely feel angry. You will be called to action to stand up for you and your children. You being forced into action is NOT an automatic reflection of bitterness; so remove that lie out of your thought repertoire.
You are in a battle you did not ask for, but through Jesus Christ, you are equipped to endure it and come out with a triumphant victory.
To fully grasp what is needed for a victory, these things you must remember:
The fight is spiritual. (Ephesians 6). It is a battle of good and evil. Without God, the devil does not perceive you as a formidable opponent. His plan is to steal, kill, and destroy. (John 10:10). The devil knows your vulnerabilities. He knows the things you hold dear in your heart and he is going to use those vulnerabilities to try and make you live in defeat and hopelessness. But you are a conqueror through Jesus Christ!
Bitterness distracts and destroys. To combat this, you must guard your heart from bitterness. (Proverbs 4:23). Bitterness is a very toxic root that if it grabs hold of you will keep you captive and distracted from healing, freedom, and being in the will of God. Your progress will be paralyzed, your goals will not be aligned with a calling on your life as a survivor. I cannot emphasize this enough. Guard your heart from all the thoughts, the lies, and the fears that your abuser will try to continue to exert over you. Yes, he will absolutely do many things that will make you not “feel” like forgiveness, but wake up and pray each day that you have a forgiving heart. Pray that you will not be bound by an unforgiving heart and choose each day to forgive someone that according to this world, doesn’t deserve your forgiveness.
But our security, our purpose, our joy does not come from this world. Joy, peace, and purpose all come from God. Your abuser does not have any authority to take it from you. So next time your abuser uses the courts or the forced “coparenting” to hurt you, all you have to say is “Devil you can’t steal my joy!” Boldy, loudly claim it from your house, your car, your work, in front of your children, outside, anywhere you are! Pray over your home! Pray over your children!
And you will see that when you lean on Jesus Christ to both equip you with a forgiving heart and with the strength to fight what is likely the biggest battle you will ever experience, your days will be filled with so much more joy than you would have ever thought possible during circumstances the world thinks would have destroyed you. And the smile and confidence you carry, despite your circumstances, will possibly spread to another person in need. That is the beauty of it all… amidst your pain and suffering, you are still capable of helping others.
Oh, what a beautiful moment the healing process… when you realize your abuser did not and could not extinguish the light you were meant to carry.